life as usual

Since the last incident with E, things have been better but still very edgy. There are so many things to consider in all situations, I get all exhausted. All the kids are home now since its summer, and right now its also very hot. My kids are, on top of everything else, very sensitive to heat, and that fact causes them to crash several times a day.

H had his last day at his beloved daycare woman this friday, and we gave her presents and she had asmall party with ice cream and all. She also had presents for H, things he can have in school, and a water gun. He was so happy.
P has really been on the egde, he is happy to be out of school, and that is good, but he has so much sadness and frustration within himself that he gets some real troublesome behavior. He teases hs brothers until they beat him up, and he does it again and again. I am trying to spend time with him as much as I can, and right now we are watching Star War movies in the evenings when I am putting him to bed and he is so happy about that.

E on the other hand, is as always the biggest problem. He is contantly telling us that we don't care about him, and we lie to him every day. And in his mind, that is the truth. It hurts me more than I can tell in words that my son feels this way, and yet I know that it is not really him talking, it is the diagnose in combination with the fact that he is soon going to be a teenager. But still, when I think of how sad and lonely he must feel, and how he never believes me when I tell him I love him, it just makes me cry inside. I know he is happy sometimes though, and when he is at his best, I think he knows I love him.. but that is not often.

Right now the kids have actually been playing together for a day or so, they are using a sort of bug system, with transparent tubes and all, that you can put ants and other bugs in and study them. Usually those kids run screaming from all sorts or insects, but right now they happily collect ants and things and puts them in teh tube system.

I hope all of you will have a good summer, and that your kids are not creating to much problems for you.

Today E jumped off the boat when we were out on the sea. He was mad at us and wanted to die. We got him up, but P and H are probably scarred for life..
I don't feel so good..

Today E smashed his schools phone in the ground completely destroying it. He then wrote on our car window with a rock and scrathed another window. He was mad at me.
Why you ask?
Because when I was to fetch him at school, I said that I had to put some groceries away first, since I had just been shopping.......
Replacing the two car windows will cost us a minimum of 4700 sek... or... up to 15000 sek, depending on what the insurance company say..


I don't know if I can continue this blog, there is just too much going on with all these kids....

The good period disappered one day after I wrote about it... then chair flew in the air again. Now we are trying a new medication and slowly getting the summer panic going...

Right now E is currently having a better period (of course, I probably destroy that just by writing about it...).
It takes of our energy though, and of the already non existent time for the other kids.. We have to curl, curl, curl and curl even more. Not in big things, but to smooth it out. And our evenings are even more like a fucking parental bootcamp everytime. Schedules and rules, everything in its order, not a second to breeth in between, always bad conscience for the other boys, especially P.

One good thing though, we got a organizing white board from the HAB unit. It has a clock, and it measures and displays time. Day time and night time separately. It can have magnetic pics on it, and we can write on it. It will hopefully help a lot.

Food... not an easy thing

Many of E's problems comes from the fact that he doesn't eat very well. He eats only crappy food, and sugar and so.
Today he once again came home early from school, due to headach, tiredness and stomach pains.

What do you do?????

a lot has happened

I haven't had time to write, but I will start filling in the blanks..

We left Legoland one day early, driving from the hotel at 20.00 in the evening since E was once again throwing a fit.. he screamed, rambled around and tried to escape. The other two was crying. We realised that we couldn't stay where we were, we were getting afraid that someone would call the police..
We drove to Sweden, and gave the kids (mostly E) a little something from MCdonalds on the way. Fot those who gasp in shock when reading that I can only say; shut up, you were not there.
Anyway, we got to a hotel in Malmö, slept, and went home the next morning.

Since then, E has only been worse. We can no longer always see the reason for his outbreaks, like a lack of food or so. At some occations everything has been fine, he has eaten, is rested etc, and he still blows. We got some advice form the specialists here, to let him be when he starts rambling about, to let him break smaller things even, so he gets used to that we do not always come running. That resulted in a chair almost flying through a closed window..
A couple of days later, the same chair flew down the stairs and smashed on the floor.

So much to write, so little time...

The day of the damned..

..that was yesteday..
We arrived at Billund, Denmark, went to Legoland, and then everything blow up in our faces..
Kids with thes diagnoses can't handle those things, I _know_ that, but we have managed before..
*sight*
E couldn't handle that a small family pushed their way before us in a que, and then he had a headache, was thirsty, got to have my drink.. I therefore got dehydrated, and didn't feel good myself.. Then, we were to have dinner, hardly found a suitable restaurante, E went crazy..
It all ended with me having to take him for a walk in the middle of the night, while he hated us, life, and himself.
Bleh

Berseark kids and going to Legoland

A lot has happened. Tomorrow we are going to Legoland. This has been planned for months and the kids are very happy about it. The thing I worry about is that E has been having some really bad fit's and the new thing about these are that we can't trace them to something especial, like that he hasn't eaten ok or so. He just goes ballistic, for no reason at all. This weekend he almost threw a chair through a window, because he thought it was to hot in his room... But we struggle on.. And even though it didn't seem to work with the latest advice we got form the experts, we can't just give up, we will go back next week and ask again.

Oh, and my work assignement ended last week, so now I am eager to get another one at the same time as I really need the rest.
Can someone give me some million dollars or so....?

chaos..

This weekend was…

H got sick and was home on Friday, he then puked in the couch on Saturday, and since the couch was already a bit broken in the seems and so, the puke got in everywhere and we had to throw it out.. We then found a used couch on the net and went and bought it. The new couch was heavy as HELL, and I realized that my formerly so strong arms are now weak as spaghetti… The kids loved the new (used)couch and everything was fine.

Sunday morning everyone was tired but happy. Me and the boys father had lots to do, and I have promised the kids that I would play World of warcraft with them, then P and H was going to be put in the tub one at the time, and E would go to the swimming parlor with his assistant. He did so, was happy, H took his bath and was happy, P and I played Wow and he was happy. E got home, he had eaten before he went away, he then went with his father and got an electronics box that they had ordered. After that, E sat and worked with the box.

Then I and the kids went on a bike ride to a nearby football field. They love bicycling there, it is made of rubble and they like to go across and around and just love it. This time, they went on as usual, being so happy, biking around, when suddenly, I noticed that E and H were arguing. I started walking towards them, when suddenly E just threw his bike on the ground, kicking it, then throwing his helmet on the ground and rushing off to the nearby fence trying to climb over. This is a very high fence and he didn’t manage so he then tried to tear it down. After holding him and talking to him, I managed to get him back on the bike (he was very careful to put his helmet back on, talk about a routine that _has_ worked out) and he then took off. He said he would not go home, not ever again, but I could see that he would anyway. I then gathered H and P, who was now all winded up, and fighting with each other.

I managed to get them home, I had to run like hell and yet didn’t keep up with them at all time, but we got to the house ok. E was right outside, waiting to provoke more. Their father was outside, cleaning the boat, and P and H stayed outside, I had to go inside to handle E. He was in an awful mood, but started to get a bit happier when he remembered that I was going to play Wow with him, so I sat down with him and played, he wanted to do an instance and I tried to find someone to help us. Unfortunately, that very instance is so confusing and boring, that no one wants to go there.. we found one other person.. while sitting there and not being able to leave, I realized a few things; I hadn’t yet been playing with H, and P hadn’t had his bath yet, and also, it was time to have dinner. H was in an extremely autistic mood and was laying on the floor, whining and crying.. E said he could be in his room with us if he was watching TV and not disturbing us. He was quiet for a while, watching, but then started again, and got worse and worse, louder and louder. E said he couldn’t take it and suddenly he just flung himself from the chair to the bed, grabbed H and spanked him hard until I managed to drag him from there. I shut down my computer, they boys father came running upstairs (he was already in a pretty bad mood because I hadn’t done everything I was supposed to) I took H to his room and hugged him, then we switched and their father took H downstairs to help with the food. I was with E in his room, trying to calm him down. He was laying in his bed, I laid beside him and hugged him, he was saying how he didn’t want to be in this family anymore, how he gets so fed up with his brothers that it would be better to be dead then to live with them. He repeated this over and over, saying he hated the whole family, especially his brothers. I hugged him, and stoked his back.. my tears was running the whole time, I know you are not supposed to show your kids how weak you are, but I just couldn’t help it. I kept thinking of how happy I was when he was born, and how cute he was as a baby, and how wonderful he still is and how much I love him. And yet, regardless of how much I always tell him, he don’t care anymore, he don’t believe me. After a while, when he was temporarily calmer, I went down and his father went up. I continued with dinner, and fed the others, his father managed to calm him enough to get him down and take him on a car ride.

I took care of the others, gave then the Sunday ice cream, let them start to see the movie we all were going to watch, started putting H to bed, and then they came home again. E was now much happier, and acting normal. I had an argument with H who was of course affected by the events earlier. Finally I got him in bed and asleep. The father had started to put P to bed and I took over. P and me watched a funny TV program in his room, and talked a bit. I feel so bad for him, he doesn’t say much, but he hurts too by all this. I wish so much that I could make things easier for him. It hurts inside to see how much in agony he is. When I get downstairs, E and his father is watching a movie, and I join them for a while. E seem ok, but tired. I then get my computer and log in to Wow… feeling I have to slay something to ease my mind..

The boys father later told me that E was pretty happy when they were out in the car.. ok, he did get to eat at McDonalds and they went shopping (no fun stuff, but still). But I wonder, is this only a result of the Asperger and adhd diagnoses? Because if it is, I get scared for P’s future.. and also, how the hell will we manage this? E had been in a good mood, he had eaten well, everything was ok, and STILL this happened. I just don’t know what to do, I am panicking here..

Depressed

I love my sons, but they really wear me out at times..
This is one of the days when it is hard to see the sun in the sky..

Stomach flu

I am home with H today since he started puking last evening. Unforteately that also means that E refuses to go to school, and the P will also be home, since otherwise it would be unfair. For all of those who says:
-"Oh but just make the other boys go, they shouldn't be allowed to decide these things"
I can just say; You have NO idea what you are talking about!

School issues and such

So it’s Tuesday and back to work after the Easter holidays. The monkey boys have been more relaxed at the end of the week and now they are going back to school and day-care. Yesterday evening was hard, the arguments and fighting started all over again and it hurts so much to see them like this. P and H has been really good friends when it is not school time. Small arguments, yes, but nothing big. Now they are back to “normal” witch is fighting, screaming and constant rumble…
This week is the week when the new school schedule starts for E. He is now going to have a small room for himself and one teacher. Or rather, assistant, because he still belongs to the same class as before, has the same teacher, and he will have lessons together with them on Fridays. The rest of the days he will have very short sessions with the different subjects. Between those sessions he will have equally long breaks while he does something else. He will start at 08:00 as usual, and end at 12:00. We all hope that he will cope with these days because we have no other solutions, the next step would be to change school completely, and we are so afraid that no school would take him, since he has a need for so much special solutions. He gets his schedule for the week in advance, the teacher mails it to us parents and we show it to him on the Sundays.
I really hope this works.
And phew.. all this really wears you out… I need to go slay something on Wow..

To cake or not to cake

Ask the Autist, if the others get cake, he wants cake, and for all of them is that what the others get, they want. And when I have put cake and cream on everyones plate, since otherwise it is unfair, H remembers that he doesn't like cream. E decides that he wants more cake even before I am done giving P his plate and then someone spills the soda.
I need a vacation.. without kids.

Sometimes

Sometimes you just don't know what will cause an "Asperger outbreak". It's hard, we try to keep the food routines, the menu, the rules etc. And still E gets in his weird moods that almost always leads to a big blow. Yesterday it was about..... who knows.. today it was about... who knows again, but I think he was hungry. And yet he refused to eat whe it was time.
He can be so immature, so defying, so vey hard to handle, and yet so mature, intelligent and caring.
He has been modding courses and editing 3d models for Halo for some time, now he started learning Visual basic to make his own little programs.. He helps and cares for his brothers, he discusses things on a very mature level. Then he flips completely and we have to physically hold him so he don't destroys the house and hurts himself.
Sometimes.. life is not easy..

To do list in monkey world:

To do list in monkey world:
• Continue working with H’s sleep training program (day 4 out of 14)
• Continue working with E’s eating program and get better at writing weekly menus
• Spend more time with P and give him possibility to talk about the things that trouble him
• Do registrations on H’s sleeping routine (damn it, I had forgotten that completely)
• Work more with P on his home work
• Look for information regarding alternate schools for E
• Bug the municipality office
• ..and the school board
• Meeting with the middle-care team once a week, regarding E
• Meeting at the autism center for small children regarding H
• Take P and E to the HAB psychologists
• Get the boys new shoes
• Put away the winter clothes
• Fix rabbit cages
• Sew new cushions to the boat
• GET A JOB!!!
• Find time to draw
• ..and photograph
• ..and write
• ..and sing
• Find a choir perhaps..
• Get more routines
• Follow the routines

Sometimes I just go crazy over all the little ways the boys manage to collide with each other on..

All the monkeys are in bed, but not all are asleep. It is the second day of H's sleep training. He can't fall asleep on his own, so we are on a schedule now, working on getting him to sleep by himself. The next step will be to teach him to not come down to our beds at night. This first step goes like this:

H gets to stay up longer while this training goes on, since he needs to be extra tired. I read to him, _not_ in his bed. Then He puts his pyjama on, _not _ on his bed. He brushes his teeth in the bathroom, and when he finally gets into his bed, he is not allowed to talk, since the bed is only for sleeping. He gets a good night kiss, and then I sit on a chair by his bed until he sleeps. If this works for 4 evenings, I move the chair closer to his door. If that works for 4 evenings, I move it even closer to the door. Etc.

The purpouse is to make his brain understand that falling asleep is easy and fast. Then, we just have to work on the rest.

Easter holliday week

It's been a pretty calm day for the boys. They are off from school and daycare, they can relax and do what they mostly want to do, wich is play computer games. I did have to take P to the children psycology center, BUP, for a meeting. He knows about his diagnoses, but this meeting was so that they could explain to him a bit more what the diagnoses really mean. The meeting went ok, and then we went home to relax again. P and H have been allowed to play World of warcraft on my laptop 30 minutes each, E has had a friend home for quite a while.
The best thing is, E has been eating ok, so hopefully the evening won't explode..

Not the best weekend ever

Me and the monkeyboys father was going to the photofair in Jönköping, about 4 hours from Stockholm, this weekend. A week before the trip we found out that the fair was cancelled, but since we had a hotel room booked, we decided to go anyway. After leaving the boys in the care of my mother, with many instructions, both written and verbal, we headed of. In the evening we sat on our beds in the room and relaxed, when our cell phones started ringing. First one, then the other. It was, of course our oldest son, E, that wasn't happy about the situation. The next few hours he called and called, screamed, smashed two phones in the floor, woke up his youngest brother, and thretened to run away from home. I had to call my mother every other minute to ask what was happening, tell her to lock the upper lock on the front door etc.
At 21:30 we couldn't take it anymore, got dressed and left the hotel. Then we drove for 4 hours in the night to get home.
Oh and the reason big E got so out of hand was of course the food issue. Not uncommon with kids like this. He didn't eat lunch, and his evening snack was handeled wrong. He is on a very strict program with his meals, and one little thing in combination with another, created this.
And today of course, he is pretty happy.

A beginning

Welcome to this blog. I am writing about the everyday life with my three sons, the monkey boys. They all have diagnoses withing the autism spectra, the two oldest are diagnosed with Asperger syndrom and adhd, the youngest one is autistic, but highly intelligent.
It is my intention to write as often as I can, but as my life is hectic, it might be periods when I don't write as often.
I am doing this to tell people about how life with kids like mine can be, and to show parents to kids with similar diagnoses that they are not alone.