chaos..

This weekend was…

H got sick and was home on Friday, he then puked in the couch on Saturday, and since the couch was already a bit broken in the seems and so, the puke got in everywhere and we had to throw it out.. We then found a used couch on the net and went and bought it. The new couch was heavy as HELL, and I realized that my formerly so strong arms are now weak as spaghetti… The kids loved the new (used)couch and everything was fine.

Sunday morning everyone was tired but happy. Me and the boys father had lots to do, and I have promised the kids that I would play World of warcraft with them, then P and H was going to be put in the tub one at the time, and E would go to the swimming parlor with his assistant. He did so, was happy, H took his bath and was happy, P and I played Wow and he was happy. E got home, he had eaten before he went away, he then went with his father and got an electronics box that they had ordered. After that, E sat and worked with the box.

Then I and the kids went on a bike ride to a nearby football field. They love bicycling there, it is made of rubble and they like to go across and around and just love it. This time, they went on as usual, being so happy, biking around, when suddenly, I noticed that E and H were arguing. I started walking towards them, when suddenly E just threw his bike on the ground, kicking it, then throwing his helmet on the ground and rushing off to the nearby fence trying to climb over. This is a very high fence and he didn’t manage so he then tried to tear it down. After holding him and talking to him, I managed to get him back on the bike (he was very careful to put his helmet back on, talk about a routine that _has_ worked out) and he then took off. He said he would not go home, not ever again, but I could see that he would anyway. I then gathered H and P, who was now all winded up, and fighting with each other.

I managed to get them home, I had to run like hell and yet didn’t keep up with them at all time, but we got to the house ok. E was right outside, waiting to provoke more. Their father was outside, cleaning the boat, and P and H stayed outside, I had to go inside to handle E. He was in an awful mood, but started to get a bit happier when he remembered that I was going to play Wow with him, so I sat down with him and played, he wanted to do an instance and I tried to find someone to help us. Unfortunately, that very instance is so confusing and boring, that no one wants to go there.. we found one other person.. while sitting there and not being able to leave, I realized a few things; I hadn’t yet been playing with H, and P hadn’t had his bath yet, and also, it was time to have dinner. H was in an extremely autistic mood and was laying on the floor, whining and crying.. E said he could be in his room with us if he was watching TV and not disturbing us. He was quiet for a while, watching, but then started again, and got worse and worse, louder and louder. E said he couldn’t take it and suddenly he just flung himself from the chair to the bed, grabbed H and spanked him hard until I managed to drag him from there. I shut down my computer, they boys father came running upstairs (he was already in a pretty bad mood because I hadn’t done everything I was supposed to) I took H to his room and hugged him, then we switched and their father took H downstairs to help with the food. I was with E in his room, trying to calm him down. He was laying in his bed, I laid beside him and hugged him, he was saying how he didn’t want to be in this family anymore, how he gets so fed up with his brothers that it would be better to be dead then to live with them. He repeated this over and over, saying he hated the whole family, especially his brothers. I hugged him, and stoked his back.. my tears was running the whole time, I know you are not supposed to show your kids how weak you are, but I just couldn’t help it. I kept thinking of how happy I was when he was born, and how cute he was as a baby, and how wonderful he still is and how much I love him. And yet, regardless of how much I always tell him, he don’t care anymore, he don’t believe me. After a while, when he was temporarily calmer, I went down and his father went up. I continued with dinner, and fed the others, his father managed to calm him enough to get him down and take him on a car ride.

I took care of the others, gave then the Sunday ice cream, let them start to see the movie we all were going to watch, started putting H to bed, and then they came home again. E was now much happier, and acting normal. I had an argument with H who was of course affected by the events earlier. Finally I got him in bed and asleep. The father had started to put P to bed and I took over. P and me watched a funny TV program in his room, and talked a bit. I feel so bad for him, he doesn’t say much, but he hurts too by all this. I wish so much that I could make things easier for him. It hurts inside to see how much in agony he is. When I get downstairs, E and his father is watching a movie, and I join them for a while. E seem ok, but tired. I then get my computer and log in to Wow… feeling I have to slay something to ease my mind..

The boys father later told me that E was pretty happy when they were out in the car.. ok, he did get to eat at McDonalds and they went shopping (no fun stuff, but still). But I wonder, is this only a result of the Asperger and adhd diagnoses? Because if it is, I get scared for P’s future.. and also, how the hell will we manage this? E had been in a good mood, he had eaten well, everything was ok, and STILL this happened. I just don’t know what to do, I am panicking here..